autumn leaves scatter

and follow your ghost,

you tangle in my hair

and i miss you so...

will you break underneath my step as i hike through midwest trails

or will you float into the wind and die with the season as it goes?


you are miles away

but every time i look to the stars,

i try to trace out your face and catch any familiarity.

you are a constellation that is easily found,

following me like the moon through my car window

all the way home.

a child of the moon

led by the tide,

i fall in, i fall out,

an endless chain

of changing my mind.

perceived through flames

with an ache to fly,

is it the real me or is it the reflection

i have strung together

so I can rude and hide?

journal entry - may 1st, 2020

i don't know what i'm supposed to expect from him. i don't even know what i want from him. nonetheless, he's still wandering around in the depths of my thoughts, his name like a song that's stuck in my head, playing over and over and over and over... i knew we had a tragic ending from the start, but the instant alignment, the simultaneous connection - it felt natural, undeniable. i couldn't look away even if i wanted to. two magnetic forces pulled our two opposites together, leaving us to work it out for ourselves. we were clueless and excited, confused and intrigued, insecure and honest. god, i need to rid him from my mind and silence his invasion in my thoughts.

well, it's far too late now

to tell you how i truly feel.

i can hear you laughing with your friends

saying, "is this girl for real?"

i refuse to be the gossip you use

to inflate your ego

or the joke you make

when you're with someone new.

yes, it's far too late now

to ever tell you the truth.

you held my heart cautiously

till it broke between your open hands.


you cross my mind far too often,

invading my safe space with echoes of your name.

you haunt every corner of my heart

and you steal what isn't yours to take -

letting you in was my greatest mistake.

all along, i think you just loved

telling me what i wanted to hear

while i was searching for perfection

in every little syllable, every letter.

we both knew we were playing each other

but it was too much fun to surrender.

was there ever anything between us

or was it all because we lived within

a five-mile radius?

we'll last for an eternity

because we were never really together,

that's the trick of it all,

it's forbidden secrecy.

how can feelings go away

when we were never really together?

how can i forget it all,

must it be swallowed secrecy?

i feel like i'm floating upon fairy dust,

my dreams circling in like clouds,

washing me away to a fantasy

that will follow me when i wake.

floating upon the magic within me,

i run into you unexpectedly,

rushing me to a reality

that will haunt me every second of every day.